A short guide for convenors of compassionate community gatherings
By Jessie Williams with contributions and inspiration from Stephen Ginsborg, Danni Petkovic, Anna Petinsky & Helen Nippard

Jan Owen (awesome leader, innovator, and my ex-boss!) recently shared this gem:

“We retain and comprehend information better when overhearing a conversation than when reading the same content. We are wired to learn socially. This ‘passive listening’ accelerates our understanding. We absorb language, tone, priorities, and subtle cultural cues.

We hear how people explain complex ideas, manage disagreement, or frame persuasive arguments. It’s an education in real world thinking, delivered in real time. In a world dominated by curated content and tailored feeds, overheard conversations offer something rare: unpredictability. They can challenge assumptions, reveal fresh perspectives, or spark entirely new lines of inquiry”.

We think this is a powerful reminder of how we learn (thanks Jan!) Let’s apply that to how we learn about life and death

A Recipe for Connection

Let us tell you the story of our recent gathering of overheard conversations….

On a sunny Sunday in April, a gaggle of us convened a gathering and this is the story of what happened. We wrote it up in recipe form so that you may know the key ingredients used!

Ingredients

1) The Sourdough Starters (Convenors): a retired teacher, working GP, working social worker, working death educator, working community manager, semi-retired community manager.

2) The Venue: A donated school hall.

3) The Guests: Community locals contacted by word of mouth and email lists.

4) The outcome: Fast forward 6 hours, with full bellies from shared food, laughter, some tears and thought-provoking discussion…the message was clear. To live well through life’s ups and downs, you need to share your living and your losses with others.

“We need to do this again” suggested Kate, a seasoned carer. “Who will run it next time?!” said the sourdough group. “Ok so where do we advertise it…Who can print the flyers?”

Lets crack in….

The Method

1. Acknowledge country – we have much to learn from First Nations people. They are good at gathering and yarning!!

2. Plan a few activities that get people talking about their experiences of caring or grief and ways to share knowledge, be prepared to change the order and adapt on the fly.

3. You want those in attendance to be happy, or sad, to feel connected and to trust the conversation. Model that visibly. Don’t host unless you yourself trust your sourdough starter peeps.

4. The convenors can be any adults who have basic organising skills and a lot of empathy and  ageing and death literacy experience and who are passionate for compassionate communities.

5. People want to hear and tell stories. Let that unfold. Model story saying that is thoughtful, purposeful and honest.

6. Ask people to bring a plate. Under no circumstances should you cater. This sends the wrong message of ‘doing to’ rather than ‘being with’. “Breaking bread” together promotes connection and humanity.

7. Understand that people might be awkward about an event that has no explicit agenda or predesigned outcomes. That’s cool. If your intention is honest; to create space for people to share knowledge, questions and compassionate listening…responsibility for what happens will largely be adopted by the group. It’s not your job to fix people.

8. Have an agreed intention for attendees to be convenors. If they invite five people to the next gathering, then they are convenors!

9. People need to experience this way of gathering before they feel they can step up to help organise. Signal at the beginning that you’re going to invite people to take the lead at the end.

10. Set out some books and cards and lots of resources. Don’t identify which ones are the most important ones, just bring as many as you can and reiterate the point that there are lots and lots of resources now with digital. “Everything is in your hands.”

11. Have an open agenda, no hurry to start ‘on time’. The first half hour or so before people sit down is critical for bonding over a cuppa and a biscuit. Normalising meeting with Open hearts. Strangers join friends. Check in half way through on when people want to leave. Give them control.

12. One great activity we used was based on ‘Open Space’ where people can write down the topic they want to explore. Help them do that by asking them to describe it and posing ‘who else wants to join them?

13. Have an impartial facilitator, someone who is the conductor, someone who is skilled in ensuring full inclusion and participation and has a little bit of bossy when needed.

14. Advertise it using simple, short language. Whoever shows up are the right people. Don’t over think it. Use the language of Compassionate Communities. Let the ripple happen.

15. If possible, have the meeting in nature, nature helps hold the purpose and keeps people feeling energized. Don’t put people in a conference room. School halls are ideal. They usually have space to ‘picnic’ outside.

16. Bring in a bit of art. In our case we had a song written by the musician daughter of one of the conveners! And another child wrote notes for a Positivity Lucky Dip! Get your kids to do stuff. If you don’t have kids, get the neighbour’s kids. Kids are everywhere. You can bring their voice and hearts into the room in many creative ways.

17. Prepare short orations to touch on principles and philosophies and home truths. Throw some death and dying stats in there about the economic (cost of dying in the health system). If you powerfully set the context, people would take the conversation from there.

18. Set up a circle of chairs but make the circle a bit wonky. This is not a grief support group. (but grief will be supported!)

19. Don’t worry about having the right answers to a question. If no one in the room knows the answer, talk about how to find it out. Sometimes people offer answers that are incorrect. That’s crap for someone who is facing difficult decisions.

20. This is not an expert space. If you have expertise, yay great! Hold it back. Do not bring it into the room unless it’s explicitly asked for.

21. We went for five and a half hours, which felt like the right amount of time with a good hour for lunch. You do you.

22. Hope that people are inspired to do it again with their friends. It’s suggested each bring five friends to the next gathering. Convening a small group is as valuable as a big group.

The Takeaway

This gathering bought together ideas, feelings, questions, arts, storytelling, music, readings, full of surprises, sadness and difficulties, humour and laughter.
It became clear that ‘Who’s Got My Back’ is as relevant to birth and early childhood, right through the challenges of the life circle as it is relevant to ageing, dying and grief. Who’s Got My Back should be an integral part of an Advance Care Plan.

Final Note

When you convene this gathering, you must do it with a group of people you trust with conviction. You must have each other’s backs. So have fun! And Fly!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world. In fact, it’s the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

With Love, The Sourdough Starters